Money and Relationship...on Valentine's Day.

WE are all in one form of a relationship or the other; a relationship with a parent, spouse, partner, child, friend, employer, employee. We all know how important money conversations can be and also how awkward they can be if not handled well. There are various reasons why money conversations can put us under some strain; reasons include - loss of income, one person spending too much, different attitudes toward money. Earning inequalities particularly in a patriarchal society can lead to unease, resentment, and arguments.

How do you define financial intimacy?

Financial intimacy is about having the ability to be open and trusting about money matters in your relationship. Unfortunately, many couples do not have this experience; in fact many feel vulnerable and unsafe and tend to be secretive and hide the true picture of their finances from their partner. So many couples have recurring arguments about money; indeed money issues have been cited as being a leading cause of marital and relationship palaver.

What is your attitude to money?

Money as a subject that has been swept under the carpet and it has traditionally been considered improper to talk about it. This may be a major reason why people still grapple with money issue as they have been unable to talk about it comfortably. Attitudes to money are formed very early on in life and usually develop over many years. You may not even realize the full effect of your childhood experiences, circumstances, and your parent’s attitude towards money. 

Indeed, many people simply assume the savings and money management habits of their parents. Was money a highly sensitive topic? This could make you very reticent about talking about money. Were they very frugal, disciplined savers, or were they spendthrifts? You may not even realize that you have inherited some behaviour patterns from your parents; once you acknowledge this and realize what it is, you have a new awareness in dealing with these issues.

What are the most common financial issues that couples face?

Just being unable to communicate about money in an easy, healthy way can be an issue.  If you like to manage your own money and be in control of your financial affairs and you are very focused and success oriented and are in a relationship with someone who is financially immature or maybe even irresponsible with money, this could lead to conflict.

Here are a few tips to help you navigate your relationship with money:

Are you in a serious relationship?

Before you commit yourself, try to determine how your partner handles the big issues of real life, including financial matters. Discuss your dreams and goals. Money will be involved in almost everything you aspire to do during your lives together, so it is important that your goals are in synch or at least, are compatible.

Build in things that don’t involve a lot of money into your social life. Eating at home, going out for a walk, having a picnic in the park or at the beach, playing a board game, are just a few ways of enjoying quality time without spending a lot of money.

Borrowing can present some challenges, so do consider carefully before you borrow from your loved one. Determine, in advance, how you will deal with debt and whether it needs to be formalised in any way. Often, some discomfort occurs where one party has lent some money and the other never mentions it again. Without communication, such issues may fester and eventually lead to crisis.

Are you planning to get married?

Don’t go overboard with your wedding costs and certainly don’t go into debt over the wedding. It is more important to focus on your lives together than on the lavish party.  It is usual to receive monetary gifts at weddings and other celebrations. Don’t spend it all. Set aside as much as you can to invest in your future plans to raise a family, own your own home or business.

Merging your financial lives

Every couple must find a structure that works for them. You must decide who will be responsible for paying certain bills, taking the lead in the family finances and so on. Be guided more by what suits your individual personalities, talents or skills and not by gender. 

Confide in your partner regarding financial worries and benefit from practical suggestions and support. Rank your financial priorities. Where your individual goals coincide, make a list of the steps it will take to accomplish those goals. Where they collide, figure out which you can live without and how to combine the rest with your partner’s plans.

Starting a family

Sometimes one partner must stay at home beyond the traditional maternity leave period while the other works full-time. What model can you adopt regarding your finances? Will the homemaker be paid a “salary” for her significant services? An arrangement should be put in place that shows respect for this critical role.

Don’t forget to consider your mortality. If you haven’t already done so, this is a good time to prepare your Will or put another estate planning arrangement in place. You don’t want guardianship issues to be settled in court if anything happens to you. Ask a friend or relative if he would be willing to be the legal and/or financial guardian for your children after you’re gone. Then, follow through by updating and signing your will.

If you stay home, keep up your career skills. Work part-time to maintain your skills and contacts, or go to school part-time to improve your financial prospects. Maintain your skills so you can ease your transition back into the workplace.

Have you re-married?

Money matters may well have been a major problem in your previous marriage. Talk about those difference so that your new partner can have a better understanding of your concerns. It is important to discuss in advance how responsibilities will be shared for children who live with both of you and how their expenses will be handled.

Article by Mrs Nimi Akinkugbe, Chief Executive Officer / Promoter of the City of Lagos edition of Monopoly.