India To Charge Britain For Overstaying Till 1947

In news that has been condemned by the Delhi Gymkhana, the Indian government ... has announced that it will be charging the British government arrears in rent and visa fees for overstaying till 1947. Calculations will be done on a per head per year basis, beginning in the early 17century. “We will be charging extra for Lord Mountbatten,” said a government spokesperson, “Since he stayed till 1948.”

This move was in reaction to an announcement that all Indians entering the UK will now have to pay a bond of 3000 pounds, leaving them little or no money for shopping. Instead, the British government will refund the money on departure, so that they can spend it back in India.

Moving swiftly, the Indian government has arrested prominent Britons Mark Tully and Katrina Kaif, prior to deportation for non-payment. “In order to cause minimum inconvenience, I offered to share a cell with Ms. Kaif,” said Mr. Tully, “But they refused me.” In other retaliatory measures, described by some analysts as ‘draconian’, Doordarshan newscasters will now speak in American accents, the Indian Army will no longer play bagpipes, and Union Law Minister Kapil Sibal is being presented an award for ‘Excellence in English Poetry’.

The government has also demanded the immediate return of the Kohinoor Diamond, Art Malik, and the entire North West Wing of the British Museum. British PM David Cameron has reacted strongly. “As soon as we figure out what the visa rules are,” he said, “We will give a befitting reply.”